WORRIED ABOUT SOMEONE?
Something
doesn’t feel right.
You don't need to be certain. You don't need proof, a diagnosis or the right words. Noticing is enough of a reason to find out how to help, and you're already doing the hardest part.
Most people who worry about someone never say anything. Not because they don't care, but because they're afraid of getting it wrong. Making it worse. Being told to mind their own business. This page is here so that isn't the reason you stay quiet.
You don't have to have all the answers to be part of the solution.
-
There's no checklist that tells you for certain. Abuse is often quiet, gradual and easy to explain away, which is exactly why it goes unseen. What people usually notice is a pattern, or a change.
She's pulled back from friends, family or things she used to do.
She checks in constantly, or seems anxious about being late.
Money, the car or her phone seem to be controlled by someone else.
She's different around her partner. Quieter, careful, watching for reactions.
She makes light of things that don't sound light.
Something just doesn't sit right and you can't quite name it.
You are not trying to diagnose anything. You're just paying attention.
-
Pick a private moment where there's no rush and no audience. Lead with what you've noticed and how you feel, not with a conclusion about her relationship.
“I've noticed you've seemed a bit flat lately. I'm not trying to pry. I just wanted you to know I've noticed, and I'm here.”
“How are things at home? I mean it. How are they really?”
Ask, then leave room. Silence is not failure.
Don't make it a one-off. “I'm here” means more the third time you say it.
If she says everything's fine, accept it. You've still told her the door is open.
-
You don't need to fix it. Being believed is often the thing that matters most, and it costs you nothing to give.
“I believe you.”
“That's not okay, and it isn't your fault.”
“Thank you for telling me. What would help right now?”
Listen more than you talk.
Take it seriously the first time. Most people test the water before they tell the whole story.
Ask what she wants, rather than assuming you know.
Keep it confidential, unless someone is at immediate risk of serious harm.
-
Most unhelpful responses come from wanting to help too much, too fast. These are the ones that quietly shut a conversation down.
“Why don't you just leave?”
“I never liked him anyway.”
“You need to go to the police. I'll call them now.”
Don't demand she leave, report, or act on your timeline. Leaving is often the most dangerous moment.
Don't criticise him so hard she can't come back to you if she stays.
Don't investigate, confront him, or take over.
Don't make her manage your reaction. Anger and panic put the job back on her.
Don't disappear if she isn't ready. That's usually when she needs you still to be there.
-
She is the expert on her own safety. Your job is to widen her options, not narrow them.
Offer specific, practical things: a lift, a spare key, minding the kids, a place to charge a phone.
Offer information without pressure. Try “I found this number, do you want it?”
Keep the ordinary things going. Coffee. A walk. A normal conversation.
Let her decide, every time, even when you'd decide differently.
Look after yourself too. Supporting someone through this is heavy, and you can't do it on empty.
-
This is one of the most useful things anyone can do, and one of the least done. Serious violence almost never starts as serious violence. It starts as attitudes, then language, then control. Someone is usually standing close enough to see it start.
Speaking up early is small. Speaking up late is enormous. That's the whole point.
“Mate, that's a bit much.”
“I know you're joking, but I don't think she'd find it funny.”
“You alright? You've been pretty full-on with her lately.”
You don't have to give a speech. Not laughing is a response.
Go at the behaviour, not the person. “That's not you” lands better than “you're a monster”.
Do it privately if a group setting will make him dig in.
Only do what's safe for you. If challenging him puts anyone at risk, don't.
If you're worried about your own behaviour, that's a good instinct. See the specialist services below.
-
Straight away, if anyone is in immediate danger. Otherwise, as soon as you're carrying more than you should be on your own. You can ring these services for advice about someone else. You don't have to be the person experiencing violence.
000
Immediate danger1800 737 732
1800RESPECT. National, 24 hours. You can call about someone else.1800 811 811
DVConnect Womensline. Queensland, 24 hours.Men’s Specialist Service
1800 600 636
DVConnect Mensline. Queensland. 9am-Midnight, 7 days.She is not your rehab
Helping men break cycles of trauma, violence and abuse and build safer relationships.innerBoy App
Free mental health app with guided support to help men understand, heal and break cycles of trauma.
WHY THIS MATTERS
A community that knows how to show up is a community that's safer for everyone.
Every woman we support today was safe once. Somewhere between then and now, harm started, and someone was standing close enough to see it. Speaking up early is small. Speaking up late is enormous.
Be There Foundation exists to help when someone needs us now, and to give everyone else a way to be useful. Knowing what to say is part of that. So is packing a care pack, driving a load of furniture across town, or funding a tank of petrol on a Sunday night.
Want more than general guidance?
If you're looking for formal bystander education, prevention training or a workplace culture program, that's Be There Group, a separate organisation who specialise in exactly that.